31 Things I've Learned in 31 Years

1. Dogs are indeed better than cats. But they require commitment and constant attention. People who insist that cats are better tend to view themselves as intellectuals, usually do not like children, have either too much or too little disposable income, and do not make good drinking buddies.

2. Ten years ago I was infinitely smarter than my father. He's grown much wiser, while I've become much dumber.

3. The ability to drive stick, shoot a gun, and balance a check book are far more important criteria by which to judge women than a pretty smile and nice boobs.

4. That most annoying attribute of the male species which causes us to go weak in the knees, lose total cognitive function, and all but drool on ourselves when a pretty girl smiles at us doesn't get better. It gets worse.

5. Yes. Men really are thinking about sex every 1.7 seconds. Even those of us who try to disguise it by being sensitive, good listeners, engaging in meaningful conversation, or any other facet of adult like behavior that doesn't involve thinking about your num-nums. Or we're gay.

6. There are plenty of Nancy's in the world, but real men have two emotions. Anger and nothing. If we're not angry, there is nothing happening upstairs. If we're dancing drunkenly around a bonfire with our buddies, we're not happy. That's just euphoric rage.

7. It is no longer possible to throw two cans of refried black beans, a bag of frozen corn, half a jar of salsa, and a handful of shredded "Mexican" taco cheese in a pot, consume it, and not suffer near immediate, and dire gastrointestinal consequences.

8. Life doesn't come at you fast. It's actually rather slow and predictable. It's only the things you were too ignorant, or too negligent to prepare for that hit you like a freight train.

9. Toddlers become increasingly more charming the more you age. The shrieking, temper tantrums, and otherwise annoying behavior that vexed you at 25, is absolutely delightful once you know that it is only a phase.

10. People die. Suddenly and unexpectedly. You may never have a chance to make amends for the hurtful things you said. Think about it the next time you end a conversation on a sour note.

11. Those useless, well-dressed, student-council type, preppy jackasses in high school really did grow up to be politicians and lawyers. They're still well-dress, preppy jackasses, and they're just as useless.

12. The Gov't is totally damned. Changing the political affiliation of the Commander in Chief, — or blaming all of the current administration's shortcomings on him—, isn't going to change things. The whole lot of them need to be fired.

13. Because someone speaks with a foreign accent doesn't mean you're smarter than they are. Do you speak two languages? Three? No? Then it's safer to assume they're smarter than you. STFU. Maybe you'll learn something.

14. Racism is the safe-haven of shallow, self-absorbed, insecure idiots. Stereo-types are damn funny though. If you can't laugh at the nacho cheese joke, — regardless of race, color, or creed—, then you need a mental enema. Or perhaps you should consider a career with the ACLU.

15. Decent looking men who can cook, — and I mean really cook, not whip together a pseudo-shrimp scampi drenched in a two dollar bottle of Newman's Marinara Sauce with a $10 dollar bottle of wine because they're trying to get their dour, disappointed, materialistic wife in the sack on Valentine's day—, were probably painfully shy in highschool, probably didn't play varsity sports, but were nevertheless clever enough to discover an alternative method of bedding cheerleaders. They're worth talking to. And will almost certainly make good business partners. Unless they're also cat lovers. In which case they're gay.

16. Men who can bake, — and I mean really bake—, are gay.

17. Friends are important. The best ones are the ones you don't have to see or talk to for months, even years at a time, but they'll show up out of nowhere when you need them.

18. Only couples without children can pull off the whole "soul-partner we share everything, go everywhere together, everything is equal" load of imaginary Valentine's day marketing gimmick bull poop. The rest of us do indeed need our space, need our friends, and sometimes need to keep things, — even semi-important things— from our spouses. But we're OK with that, though we sometimes envy your brought to you by De Beers lifestyle.

19. Money is a means to an end, not an end in itself. When you fight about money, you're really fighting about the fact that the end you seek is a little further off. Focus on the end, and not the immediate lack of money, and you'll discover a way to make more.

20. Take the time to randomly help out others. What goes around really does come back around. Call it karma, charity, whatever. Someday you're going to need that favor.

21. Anyone who says "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" is an idiot who hasn't really lived. You should shoot their knee caps off, and maybe burn down their house. Then they'll realize that whatever doesn't kill you, wounds you deeply. And that you live with those scars for the rest of your life. What separates the survivors from the rest is the way in which they live with those scars.

22. Sometimes getting drunk and falling down is a good thing.

23. Be kind to the little creatures. It's a reward in and of itself.

24. Make every effort to avoid mediating in a confrontation between friends. It will only come back to bite you in the bum later.

25. When you encounter a new person who dominates the conversation, act stupid. Ask leading questions, and let them talk. It will put you in a position to take advantage of them later.

26. In the same vein, allowing someone to talk down to you because you're younger than they are is a sign of wisdom. You'll have that stupid-old person's job in no time.

27. People who don't read regularly have stopped exercising their brains, and can be easily confounded, defeated, left in the dust. The same way people who don't exercise their bodies can be outdistanced.

28. You're children will have issues. It doesn't matter how perfect of a parent you are. It's more important to love them for who they are than it is to fill their lives with all of the semi-meaningless activities that every other parent in town is engaged in.

29. You are not the person you think you are. That is not George Clooney looking back at you in the mirror. It's far more important to focus on your personality than it is to spend time on your looks. The packaging ages, it's what's inside the box that matters.

30. Old vehicles are an indulgence, not a way of life. You know you're being financially irresponsible by keeping them running, but that's OK... It's one of the minor pleasures that make life worth living.

31. I still don't know how I got here, why I'm here, or where I'm going. Check back in another decade or so.